Jump-started by the holiday query from the ladies at the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Wervyn and I reminisce about our favorite Christmas traditions. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!

Some Christmas tea…and a little something extra The Christmassy time for tea intro is “The Boars Head” by The Chieftans, and the rest of the songs are from Incompetech.com. The woman’s scream is from www.sounddogs.com As for “Ho Ho Homicide,” I came up with the idea a few years ago when we were in a Christmas tree lot, and I heard the owner turn on a chainsaw to trim some branches off a tree. It just seemed like the perfect setup for a horror movie. I figured the serial killer was a mall Santa that went a little crazy.

As a wise man once said, “December was Christmas, January was New Year, April was Easter and The Fourth of July, but now it’s Thanksgiving.” (If you’re confused, go here. Don’t hate me too hard.)

But seriously, Thanksgiving deserves mad respect. It’s smushed between Halloween and Christmas and gets almost none of the air time…except for turkey sales, Thanksgiving Day sales, Black Friday (ugh) and The Macy’s Parade (which is awesome ^_^).  And why are there almost no decent Thanksgiving songs?! (See above paragraph for example.)

In a world where I have to literally turn off all distractions (and there are always tons) just to think straight and reorganize my priorities, I, dare I say, we need a day like Thanksgiving. </soapbox>

This is my favorite time of year, September-December. There are so many wonderful holidays that bring us close to family and give us so much to look forward to after a long, busy year! It makes me feel all cozy inside!

So, taking my own advice, I will stop being whiny about the little things and think about what I’m thankful for. Here are the Top 6 I am feeling the most right now.

1. I have a cat.

Maybe I didn’t emphasize that enough. I HAVE A CAT! She knocks stuff over, puts holes in shower curtains, drinks out of my water glasses, but I HAVE A CAT! I didn’t have one last year, I didn’t have one when I was eight and it consumed my life wishing for it! A cuddly sweet cat who makes me laugh and loves the stuffing out of me and my husband. And speaking of…

2. I have a husband!

A husband who is brilliant and sweet and kind and giving. A husband who lets me pursue my writing instead of bugging me to get a real job, though we could always use the cashola. A husband who reads my writing and has enough knowledge and smarts to critique it constructively, and a husband who believes in me and shares my faith. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of, and now we get to celebrate our second married Thanksgiving together!

3. I have a supportive family.

Family that loves us enough to pay for us to be with them on Thanksgiving, or pays for our flights to see them for Christmas, and that includes in-laws! Wervyn and I have such amazing families that are warm and welcoming and so much fun! I can’t believe I lucked out with such an amazing blood AND adopted family! They are all so excited to see my first book published! Which leads into…

4. I HAVE AN AGENT READING MY MANUSCRIPT RIGHT NOW.

I’d love for that to mean *this* happens soon!

Oh my gosh…I don’t think I have to even say a lot more, but oh my gosh. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere, an agent actually was interested enough in my pitch that she asked to read my entire manuscript! Oh my gosh…

5. I’m so happy and grateful to be guided by such an amazing God that loves me and looks after me.

We’ve gone a whole year, and the biggest hospital bill so far was getting the cat fixed. I’m still getting used to living in a big city, and there have been some scary times, but I’ve felt very at peace that this is where I’m meant to be. We’re on a budget, but we have food and shelter and enough money for a few fun things on the side, including the writer’s conference where I met the agent who is reading my manuscript. ^_^ He’s carried me this far, I’m excited to see what’s in store in the new year!

6. And of course, last but not least, I’m thankful for all of you!

My readership! You’re so supportive of me, and I’m glad to know there are people out there reading who care about my writing endeavors! If it weren’t for you all, I’d be writing to myself, and it’s so much more fun to have an audience! Here’s to you!

So, everyone have a wonderful day full of tasties and love!

As a much wiser man (than the one at the beginning) once said, and who always tends to make me cry, “Thanks for our health, thanks for our hearth and the bounty that grows from the ground. With our loved ones near, we bless the year that’s brought us safely round.” – Tom Chapin

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, GUYS!

My husband got me the most wonderful anniversary present a writer could ever dream of! Oh, and vote

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEN! BWAAHAAHAHAHAAA! Betcha thought I was done blogging this week, huh? Well, not on your life!

Because I’ve enjoyed writing and researching this Freaky Fairy Tales series SO MUCH, I’ve decided to do another folk ballad dissection, like I did for The Twa Sisters in honor of creepy Samhain.

“You listen to Grampa’s story or no candy!”

As I mentioned before in the Twa Sisters post, “If you know your folk songs, it’s very rare to find a story song that is sung exactly the same if you compare different versions.”

Naturally, “Paper of Pins” is no exception, but it gets interesting to compare the songs depending on the area they are said to originate from. It’s also known as a children’s song that allows room for making up verses. And for the record, I’m not going to even pretend that this is an exhaustive review of this song and its variations. This is just what I knew beforehand and what I could find ^_^

The first version I ever heard is what I’m calling the Irish version: “Paper of Pins” by the Clancy Brothers, and it displays the same concept found in all its sister versions:

The young man comes to the girl and offers her his love or other gifts if she will marry him. She scornfully refuses. After several similar exchanges, he typically offers his MONEY. She accepts. He withdraws the offer: “You love my money but… not me” (Fresno State).

The first gift he offers is “a paper of pins,” which took a few searches to discover, but I found a great explanation:

Straight pins (shaped like nails, but *much* smaller and thinner) used to be sold stuck through a paper (many pins side by side, kind of woven in and out of the paper)…They are used in sewing and used to be relatively costly, so a “paper of pins” would have been a nice gift from a young man to a girl he admired (Yahoo Answers).

Tadaaaa!

This does not impress the girl, so he offers her a golden bouncing ball, and then offers her a rocking chair, and then a silver spoon to feed the baby (not sure if they already have a child, or if he’s talking about eventual offspring, but it’s not important). Finally, he offers her “the keys to the chest and all the money that I possess.” This gets her interested, and she agrees to marry him if he gives her his money, but now he realizes the truth and he laughs at her:

Ah ha ha now I see,
You love my money but you don’t love me,
And I’ll not marry, marry, marry, marry,
I’ll not marry thee.

In a more Celtic punk version of this song by Irish-American band The Tossers called “Paper and Pins,” the verses are exactly the same until the very end. After the young man sings his part, the girl gets the last word and adds,

Well Ah-ha-ha now I see you’d like to get married but you don’t like me
so I won’t marry marry marry marry I won’t marry you

*raises fist slowly* For the women’s lib? Maybe?

Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger…

There are a number of English versions of this song as well.

This English version of “Paper of Pins” by Raymond Crooke stars an apparently very rich, or very desperate young man, and of course a shrewish girl. The young man offers her a paper of pins, and then “a coach and four so [she] may ride from door to door”, “a little lap dog to carry with [her] when [she goes] abroad”, “a gown of green, that [she] may shine as any queen”, “a dress of red all bound around with golden thread”, “a blue silk gown with golden tassels all around,” and “my hand heart that we may marry and never part” Aww! So sweet! But the girl says “I’ll not accept” to all of them, INCLUDING his hand and heart, the harpy! After he offered you tons of beautiful things and a dog, AND his heart?

But of course after he offers her money, she says she’ll take “the key to his chest that she may have gold at her request,” but he replies, ”And now I see that money is all, a woman’s love is nothing at all!” Sounds like a good stopping point, but the girl makes a reply of EGADS! proportions:

“Then I’m determined to be an old maid and take my stool and live in the shade, and I’ll not marry at all, at all, and I’ll not marry at all!”

Wow. “I’m not going to get married out of spite because you gave me your heart BUT YOU WOULDN’T GIVE ME MONEY!” What a catch.

“EWWW your heart is so icky! Where’s my money?!”

Other well-known titles are variations on “Madam, Will You Walk?” and “The Keys of Canterbury” which goes back at least to 1849. This site lists a hefty number of other title variations on this song that make me sick to think about, so we’ll stick to these two.

In “Madam” he offers her a silver pin “to pin up your hair and your fine mus-e-lin” or “donotuse-e-lin” (or “six rows of pins” or “the keys of Heaven, to lock the gates when the clock strikes seven”…oy), followed by his heart, and finally ”the key of my des’/And all the money that I possess?” When she accepts, he says,

When you could, you would no
Now you will, you shall not
So fare thee well
My Catherine Sue.

Catherine Sue, huh? Okay.

In “The Keys of Canterbury,” he offers her, naturally, the keys to Canterbury,

And all the bells in London
Shall ring to make us merry.
If you will be my joy, my sweet and only dear,
And walk along with me, anywhere.

Of course, she keeps refusing, even when he offers her a hair comb, cork boots from London and York, or a gold (or silver) bell for her servants. In one version, the young man confides in his servant, and after the servant encourages him to try again, he offers her his money and she agrees, rinse and repeat, but the song ends there and I assume that everyone ends up happy.

And very interestingly, in the first version the girl goes against the grain.  She rejects “a gallant silver chest,/With a key of gold and silver/And jewels of the best,” but agrees to marry him once he gives her a dress: “A broidered silken gownd,/With nine yards a-drooping/And training on the ground.” Finally, someone doing something different!

Fun fact: Princess Diana’s dress was almost 9 yards long

There are also American versions of “Paper of Pins,” including one from the Ozarks (mountainous region between the Appalachian and Rocky Mountains) called ”Keys of Heaven.”

In “Keys of Heaven,” it’s the girl who starts out singing, declaring that even if he gives her the keys of Heaven, she won’t “walk and talk with [him].” He offers her a silken grown and a wreath of flowers for her head, a coach with six black horses, and THEN. A miracle!

I will give to you the keys to my heart,
And we’ll be married till death do us part,
Madam, will you walk? Madam, will you talk?
Madam, will you walk and talk with me?

And she actually says yes! Finally, a song with a happy ending that uplifts true love and not the desire to marry for money!

In fact, the American versions I’ve found tend to have happier endings. They even sing a version of “Paper of Pins” in the 1956 movie “Bus Stop”  starring Marilyn Monroe, whose character is a girl from the Ozarks! It’s sung by The Four Lads, and the point of view is strictly from the young man, who has offered her a paper of pins and a feather bed, but all she wants is his house and his money. So he declares,

Well here they are take everything
My house, my money, my wedding ring
And in the bargain I’ll throw in me
If you will marry me

And the song is so peppy, I can only assume that she’ll take him up on his offer, for good or ill.

My gosh, there are so many versions, it’s starting to hurt my head, so I’ll stop there, but you can read more if you’d like.

But the version I really wanted to get to, one from Scotland, is the one I want to end on. And if you’re curious what this whole entry had to do with Halloween, well, now you’ll see.

This version starts off with a man making an offer of a “pennyworth o’ priens,” which another version translates to “pennyworth of pins,” “if you’ll gang alang wi’ me m’dear, if ye’ll gang alang wi’ me?” Of course, she says no, so he offers her “a braw snuff box (or bonny snuff box),/Nine times opened, nine times locked,” then “a silken goon (gown)/Wi’ nine stripes up and nine stripes doon (down),” “a nine stringed bell/Tae call yer maid when’er you will,” and finally, say it with me, guys,

“I’ll gie you a kist o’ gold
Tae comfort you when you are old
If ye’ll gang alang wi’ me m’dear, if ye’ll gang alang wi’ me?”

“These are fine words you say
So mount up lad you’ve won the day
I’ll gang alang wi’ you m’dear, I’ll gang alang wi’ you.”

So she gangs alang wi’ him…but wait…something’s not right…

They’d scarcely gone a mile
Before she spied his cloven heel

Cloven heel? *gasp* THE DEVIL!! *thunderclap*

DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNN!

OMG ITS THE DEVIL THE DEVIL OMG THE DEVIL!

“I rue I come wi’ you” she says, “I rue I come wi’ you.”

No kidding! I’m glad to see she’s taking this seriously. The devil may look silly in those pictures but, I mean…he’s the devil.

The devil replies,

“I’ll grip ye hard and fast,
Gold won your virgin heart at last
And I’ll no part wi’ you m’dear, I’ll never part wi’ you.”

Ouch.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to take gold from satan?

And as they were galloping along
The cold wind carried her mournful song
“I rue I come wi’ you” she says, “I rue I come wi’ you.”
“I rue I come wi’ you” she says, “I rue I come wi’ you.”

*organ chords* THE. END!

And of course, the name of this song? “The Devil’s Courtship/An Dro” by The Battlefield Band.

And the moral of our story is, don’t marry for money, it never works out. And if you do, who knows…he might be the devil in disguise.

Whew! I didn’t know as many of the songs I wrote about today, so I had a lot of research to do! Well, I hope you enjoyed Freaky Fairy Tale month, guys! I had a heck of a fun time putting it together for ya!

Happy Halloween, my readerlings! Now, I’m gonna eat some candy.

Well, friends, Halloween is almost upon us! And that means this is the last Freaky Fairy Tale of October But I saved you a good one for last. It’s one of the wackiest and most morbid-for-no-reason fairy tales I’ve probably ever heard. Are you ready?

BEHOLD!  Day 1 + Day 2 + Day 3 + Day 4 + Day 5

Sweet and silly piece by Ross Sullivan-Wiley

THE DEATH OF THE LITTLE HEN

[Original source] - I’ve added punctuation and fixed formatting here.

You don’t expect it. It builds with the sunny, round-faced optimism and sweetness you’d expect in a 1940s Disney short. And for the record, an old-fashioned term for a rooster is a cock. GET OVER IT!

 Once upon a time the little hen went with the little cock to the nut-hill, and they agreed together that whichsoever of them found a kernel of a nut should share it with the other.

Dawww, isn’t that adorable, they’re gonna share! Why, aren’t Chanticleer and Pertelote the cutest lil’ couple you ever did see?

Then the hen found a large, large nut, but said nothing about it, intending to eat the kernel herself. The kernel, however, was so large that she could not swallow it, and it remained sticking in her throat, so that she was alarmed lest she should be choked.

Then she cried, “Cock, I entreat you to run as fast as you can and fetch me some water, or I shall choke.”

Yes, yell for help, choking victim. THAT ALWAYS WORKS!

The little cock did run as fast as he could to the spring, and said, “Stream, you are to give me some water, the little hen is lying on the nut-hill, and she has swallowed a large nut, and is choking.”

The well answered, “First run to the bride, and get her to give you some red silk.”

…So, which is it, a spring, a stream or a well? Also, if you know someone is dying, why do you ask the person to run an errand for you first when you can just give them what they need?? And by the way, the red silk won’t help the rooster carry the water or anything, the SpringStreamWell just wants it for no reason! And what the heck does it need silk for, anyway?

The little cock ran to the bride and said, “Bride, you are to give me some red silk, I want to give red silk to the well, the well is to give me some water, I am to take the water to the little hen who is lying on the nut-hill and has swallowed a great nut-kernel, and is choking with it.”

Way to explain it quickly, Rooster. There are actually stories like this that I’ve heard from other places involving a rooster running around asking long-winded favors of people and running out of time, and no one helps him until the very end. It’s called a Cumulative Tale, and “The House That Jack Built” and “The Gingerbread Man” are familiar versions of these kinds of tales. This is shaping up to be one of those if it keeps going.

The bride answered, “First run and bring me my little wreath which is hanging to a willow.”

Again, HE JUST SAID HIS WIFE WAS DYING, JUST GIVE HIM THE SILK!

So the little cock ran to the willow, and drew the wreath from the branch and took it to the bride, and the bride gave him some red silk for it, which he took to the well, who gave him some water for it.

Finally! That wasn’t as long as other rooster stories I’ve read, maybe there’s still time.

Then the little cock took the water to the hen, but when he got there the hen had choked in the meantime, and lay there dead and did not move.

Oh, seriously. Wow. Downer.

I don’t care if I already used it, this is how I feel about the whole story.

The rooster went on to sue the water and the bride for his wife’s death.

Then the cock was so distressed that he cried aloud, and every animal came to lament the little hen, and six mice built a little carriage to carry her to her grave, and when the carriage was ready they harnessed themselves to it, and the cock drove.

Suddenly everyone is anthropomorphized, and the mice somehow can build a cart that is at least ten times their size, and then hitch themselves up to drive it? This is starting to sound like Redwall.

Martin! Only you can save us from the armies of Attila the Hen!

So, the funeral procession starts off.

On the way, however, they met the fox, who said, “Where are you going, little cock?”

“I am going to bury my little hen.”

“May I drive with you?”

“Yes, but seat yourself at the back of the carriage, for in the front my little horses could not drag you.”

That fox just sounds like he’s planning something dastardly. He’s going to end up eating the rooster AND the dead hen, isn’t he?

Then the procession went onwards, and they reached a stream. “How are we to cross over?” said the little cock.

A straw was lying by the stream and it said, “I will lay myself straight across, and then you can drive over me.”

A straw? Like, a piece of straw. Like this?

This one is lodged in a tree during a tornado, but that’s where the awesomeness ends, folks!

Yes, let’s put our faith in Small McBendweak!

But when the six mice came to the bridge, the straw slipped and fell into the water, and the six mice all fell in and were drowned.

Whaaat? I can’t believe that happened oh no what a horrible accident A STRAW CAN’T HOLD ONE MOUSE, LET ALONE SIX! And how did the mice just drown and not pull the cart in with them?

Then they were again in difficulty, and a coal came and said, “I am large enough, I will lay myself across, and you shall drive over me.”

So the coal also laid itself across the water, but unhappily just touched it, at which the coal hissed, was extinguished and died.

WAIT! A coal, like a coal from a fire? Oh my gosh! I’m imagining it walking up to them, all aglow, like a coal is supposed to be, and being like “hey! I’ll lay across the water and you can get over me!” And then he jumps in the water and PUTS HIMSELF OUT! Not to mention that a coal is NOT BIG ENOUGH TO HELP A CART GET ACROSS A CREEK! OH MY GOSH!!!!

Also, how much do you wanna bet it’s the same creek who wouldn’t give the cock water before and now it’s just laughing maniacally at them?

When a stone saw that, it took pity on the little cock, wished to help him, and laid itself over the water. Then the cock drew the carriage himself, but when he got it over and reached the shore with the dead hen, and was about to draw over the others who were sitting behind as well, there were too many of them…

Wait…there was only mention of the fox climbing aboard. Were there more that got on without us knowing? That would have been HELPFUL!

…the carriage ran back, and they all fell into the water together, and were drowned.

Well, that’s probably why they weren’t mentioned, because they were gonna die anyway, but I’m not upset, I’m confused!

Then the little cock was left alone with the dead hen, and dug a grave for her and laid her in it, and made a mound above it, on which he sat down and fretted until he died too, and then everyone was dead.

THE END!!!!

For reals? That’s how it ends?

MY GOSH! It sounds like a story some super annoyed person would tell to some kids who wouldn’t stop asking for one.

“YOU WANT A STORY!? Fine! Here’s your story! Once upon a time, there was a cute little hen and a cute little rooster, and one day the hen CHOKED on a nut, and the little rooster tried to get help for her, but it was too late and she DIED! So he got all the little animals together for a funeral, but they came to a little creek and couldn’t cross over. So a piece of hay tried to help, but when the little mice ran over it, they fell in and DROWNED, and the hay drowned too! Then a little piece of coal came along–DON’T give me that look, this is my story, coals can talk!–but when he touched the water he went out and DIED! Then the rooster pulled the cart across, but all the animals fell out and they all DROWNED! So when the rooster got to the other side he was all alone, and he buried his little hen and stayed there on that hill until he died too! Then EVERYONE was dead! THE END!” *muffled children’s sobs* “Now leave me alone and LET ME WATCH THE PACKERS!”

I kinda wish I did know the rhyme or reason behind this story, though. This type of story can be found in many cultures worldwide, and there is apparently a cumulative tale trope that involves a chain of death that ends in everyone dead, but there isn’t really a reason as to why people would tell pointless stories like this that don’t even really have a lesson. It’s not like they’re shaggy dog stories that, if told well, can actually be funny. Maybe some of these could be funny too in the hands of a good storyteller, but there isn’t even a punchline. I dunno.

I’ll tell you the punchline as soon as you can find my eyes.

 Well, I guess this entry is dead too. *freaky eyes* Everything is dead…

And the moral of the story? Share your stuff, kids. If you’re too greedy, you might choke on it. And die.

Thanks for reading, guys! It’s been a really fun and goofy time for me, getting back into hard blogging on such a fun subject. Hopefully this means I will be blogging more in the future!

You guys are the best! Have a Happy Halloween!

Every day is Halloween for Chicken Boo